Muggles: A Textbook
by Elliot Pole
Summary: A Textbook people use in Muggle Studies. Charity Babbage doesn't especially like it, because it teaches that Muggles are stupid, but it explains what people need to know.


**Muggles: The Strange and Unseemly**

**Chapter One: Coping Without Magic**

Muggles have long since come to the realization that magic doesn't exist. They are wrong of course, but if it weren't for the Statute of Secrecy, all of wizardkind would be bombarded with requests for remedies to their quotidian vicissitudes. This would be unpleasant and detrimental to us happy folk blessed with the ability to cast spells.

Without magic, Muggles have to resort to technology, that ever shifting mistress of folly. Much of their technology depends on electricity (e-lek-trISS-city). They take a rubber or copper encased wire called a plug, which they enter in a socket on a wall. They plug up toasters (devices for heating bread and a usually-fruit filled pastry called a "PopTart"), televisions (which show them pretty moving pictures which passes for entertainment to them), computers (a strange device for storing information; you'd think they'd use their brains!), and lamps, since they can't use _Lumos. _

For Muggles, electricity has replaced the need for fireplaces, which makes visiting a Muggle household with Floo powder well-nigh impossible, though it is illegal to do that anyway. It also makes it harder for adult Muggles to tell their kids about Santa Claus (a chubby cheerful figure who supposedly slides down the chimney on Christmas Eve and puts presents under the tree). Incidentally, some Muggles can't spell "Santa Claus" because of a Tim Allen film too many Muggles have seen, causing them to mistake "clause" for "Claus," which aren't even pronounced the same way. (Explanation of what movies are will come along in later chapters.)

When Muggles have a blackout (what happens when their electricity goes cabloohey) they are unable to do anything except sleep, unless it is daylight outside. This shows one of the downsides to being a Muggle as opposed to being a wizard—wizards always have light unless they're wand snaps in two. Muggles, however, depend on the kindness of nature to determine whether they have light or not.

Unable to Apparate, Muggles rely heavily on automobiles for transportation. Automobiles run on petroleum, which leaks carbon dioxide into the air and contributes to the hole in the ozone layer. Wizards don't have to worry about this, but Muggles do, because it could contribute to the end of Muggle life on this planet. If that day ever comes, wizards will sorely miss their Muggle comrades. "To avoid that eventuality, Muggles are working on a way to use sunlight or water to propel their automobiles. Let's all hope they succeed.

Automobiles (which comprise of cars, trucks, and vans) are not the only means of transport Muggles employ. They also use airplanes to crossing oceans, as well as giant ships, the latter of which wizards have not used since the broomstick was invented. Airplanes are giant steam-powered winged machines that require a pilot in most cases. This book will not presume to explore how airplanes remain in the air, for that subject is full of myriad technical terms that could confuse even the most studious wizard. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

The one mode of transport utilized by both Muggles and wizards is the train, though locomotives are reserved by our kind for escorting students to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The train is handy because many friendships begin on that first ride to Hogwarts.

Without the ability to summon things via the _Accio _spell, Muggles have to actually get on their hands and knees and search rooms thoroughly for their valuables. The dangers of such activity includes, but is not limited to: calluses, broken backs, frustration, and short tempers. Because of this, Muggles are inclined to be lazy, for nothing that comes from a good search is enjoyable.

Muggles tend to kill each other more often, mainly because the means to kill one another is not illegal, whereas _avada Kedavra _is an Unforgivable Curse and will result in a one-way trip to Azkaban if you dare use it. Guns are Muggles most popular means of murdering one another. They are made of steel and other coarse materials and send out lead bullets, which are fatal to the heart and head. Muggles can also strangle each other, cut each others' throats, poison one another (we can do that too) and throw a man overboard if they are out at sea. In short, Muggles don't live very long.

Yet, even with all these methods of murder, many, many Muggles kill _themselves. _Sure, this happens with a few wizards every now and then, but never on the scale it does with Muggles. At this rate, regardless of the state of the ozone layer, there will be no Muggles remaining on the Earth in 2100.

Muggles do not have an esay time without magic. To us, their lives seem nothing short of Hell. But is is their own fault, we say. If they want to end their own race, good riddance. Let's hope the Statute of Secrecy doesn't get broached before there are no more Muggles on this planet, for if it does, we will have to help them, and we should never be forced to aid such a low life form.


End file.
